TA - seven months

August 16, 2005

Rewriting Mystery

This faded picture of Sumitra, your uncle, and their half-brother, this picture was taken during Sumitra's last visit to Bangkok. This is her when she was 17 or 18 years old. This picture you're photographing -- this is her accepting her degree at graduation.

This gas station, it wasn't a gas station before, this is the house she was born in. And this car repair shop, imagine each garage being a separate room, this was the house she spent most of her life in. This Sri Lankan tree outside the monestary, your uncle used to play in this tree and Sumitra would pass by on the street.

And this life, she created this life at 41 years old. It's the last thing she did. To see her now you need only to look in the mirror. Now just piece these fragments together and presto! You have your mother. Kind of. Well okay, not at all.

8 > post a comment

Tevan,
You changed your entry. The first was written from your heart, and it really touched mine. This one is from your head. A little more guarded.
In your last entry you said your mother wasn't in Bangkok. She is. And she will leave Bangkok when you leave.
Keep looking in that mirror. I like what you see.
Kathleen

Anonymous
August 17, 2005 10:14 AM

I didn't see the entry Kathleen is referring to, but the first word that came to my head was "touching." I like that you let us see inside this part of you. Guarded or not.

lindsey
August 17, 2005 5:10 PM

kathleen,

you keep catching me in the act!

I pored over this entry for hours. both versions were written from the heart.

in the first version I was preoccupied with reviving my mother. I don't want contemplate that because I can't. the second version is focused on understanding who she was, what the pitch of her voice sounded like and so on (although that seems impossible too). the difference is subtle but present.

thank you for the words of comfort. the original entry:

"And this life, she created this life at 41 years old. It was the last thing she did. To see her now you need only to look in the mirror. But keep focused on the mirror and stop looking for answers. No matter how hard you look, you won't find your mother in Bangkok."

tevan (DET to AMS)

tevan
August 18, 2005 5:24 AM

thanks lindsey. now you can see the entry kathleen is referring to.

tevan

tevan
August 18, 2005 5:29 AM

it was difficult to read this. i can't imagine what it took to write it.

Anonymous
August 19, 2005 5:31 PM

a keyboard and a mouse. (I probably could have posted this with only a keyboard.)

tevan
August 20, 2005 4:00 AM

The important thing to remember is that she loved you born or unborn and that to give birth to a child as your last life event is better than some other last moments I could think of. She would have been very proud of the man you are becoming. She would have wanted you to live without questions but she would know that would be impossible. Try to connect with her life spirit not her dead memory. Your friend Shelley J.

shelley J
August 23, 2005 1:34 PM

thanks shelley.

who needs therapy when you have a journal?

tevan

tevan
August 24, 2005 10:37 AM